The world can be a beautiful place and it sometimes takes my breath away, it could be the sunset or the first time Leo beamed his gummy smile at me. Those magical moments that make every moment count, and you thank your lucky stars that you were there to witness it.
Sometimes though the world can be a cruel and heartless place to exist. Sometimes it turns someones life upside down for no real reason at all.
Shortly after I returned to work I discovered the happy news that a colleague was pregnant with twins. She looked so happy, and was completely over the moon. Over the weeks I saw her tummy grow and grow, her Two little babies becoming stronger with each passing day.
This week was her Twentieth week of pregnancy. The half way point where the finishing line was just visible on the horizon. Only this moment was over shadowed by the sun that was now setting, and those little babies began their ascent to the sky.
Last night I logged onto Facebook, and the first status I saw was this:
'Sleep my beautiful angels,
on your pillows in the sky,
Angels are forever.....
So we'll never say goodbye'
Those words said it all, and I suddenly felt like I had slipped into her shoes and I could actually feel her world crashing down. I could feel my eyes welling up, how can something like this happen? I sat there trying to find the words to express how sorry I was, but there are no words. There is nothing I could say, and nothing I could do.
I worried myself while I was pregnant with Leo, and got checked out by the maternity triage on at least 3 separate occasions. I can not imagine how I would feel having to give birth to my baby and then say goodbye. This thought shakes me to the core.
Today as far as I am aware, she was admitted to hospital where she will meet her beautiful little babies for the first and last time. Such a bitter sweet moment that should have been the start of their beginning as a family.
I keep thinking of her and what she is having to endure. Something that no Mother should ever have to go through. Life really is so un-fair.
The womb is meant to be a safe place, where our babies grow to be big and strong to come and meet us. How can something like this happen?
She would have been an amazing Mummy.
I can not imagine her grief, the feelings she will have on not seeing her babies open their eyes for the first time to study her face. The windy smiles before the real ones come in and everything that I feel so privileged to have been gifted.
I wish I could change this nightmare outcome for her and put the world to rights.
But I can't.
Fly high little angels
Last night I held Leo tightly and breathed in his baby smell. I held on a little longer than I usually would, realising just how lucky I really am. I am incredibly lucky even on those sleepless nights where he just winds me up to the point of distraction, I am lucky that he is there to wind me up and in the next instance have me in fits of giggles.
We all have those worried moments in pregnancy, but those worries extend past that and never ever go away. In fact they magnify as your baby grows, the dangers and worries of things that could potentially happen get dreamed up in your head as you try and find ways to protect them.
I still check in on Leo to make sure he is still breathing soundly and tucked up in his cot. I over think every little detail. I see danger at every turn and I know that as he get's older I am going to worry more and more. On the news just this week I heard about a Mother who lost her son to a stabbing at a party, and a bus that killed 3 people. How am I supposed to trust anyone with my baby?
I dread the thought of Leo going on school trips, just in case something happens. I know that this is way off yet and the chances are slim, but the chance is still there.
Being a Mummy is such an exhilarating, scary and emotional job in this beautiful, terrifying world. You never know what is just around the corner, and even when you try to foresee what will next be bestowed upon you and your family, you never quite know.
And the un-known just makes it even more scary.